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So on NPR I set up the mirthful story of all time:

It’s about Julio Diaz, a 31-year-old social prole who acquired mugged on the tube by a teen armed with a tongue. Julio profferred him his billfold. But as the mugger left, he besides offered his jacket. “To maintain you warm,” he expressed, Christ-like.

Of course of study, the robber was floored by Julio’s generousness - peculiarly when he then asked for the hood out to feed. The two hit Julio’s favorite buffet car. The teen was awed how democratic Diaz was, and how decent he was - even to the dish washer. After dinner party, the teen renderred the pocketbook. Of course of study, Diaz yielded him some money in exchange for the tongue.

Okay, this narration stinks to high heaven - there’s no name of the mugger, the eating house they moved to, or its employees. But even if it isn’t bastard, it’s still masturbatory pablum masquerading as altruism. Blow your own horn much, Julio? There’s something vile about a hombre who pimps himself out as a hearted Samaritan. Obscure heroes are only that, if you keep your mouth shut.

But even worsened, Diaz offers insults every victim of wild crime. “If you treat citizenry right,” he says, “you can only hope that they treat you right. It’s as simple as it gets in this complicated world.”

So, buy an armer dinner and he won’t rape your home. The progressive set toward law has neverred been declared more compactly.

Next hebdomad, look out for Julio inviting the homeless to kip at his house. The example: “They’re simply like us, without soap.”

And if you take issue with me, then you Sir are worsened than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts “Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld” weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Direct your comments to:
redeye flight@foxnews.com