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Last hebdomad I read somewhere that the Phoenix Lander has detected soil on Mars that’s very alike to the dirt I’d find in my backyard. I held to express mirth because unless there’s too a Guatemalan houseboy called Ricardo inhumed in that dirt, I’m assumptive that’s where the law of similarities end.

This determination suggests we may be capable to turn vegetables on the Red Planet — unappetising crud like Asparagus officinales, Brussels sprouts, Spinacia oleracea and early crap that does non qualify as existent food.

To me, the idea of turn Mars into a VAT of veggies is exactlied what’s wrong with America.

See, when I was turning up, Mars was frighting. Martians existed not friendly — even Ray Walston looked all superciliums and custody. But now, in a civilization overrun with humanitarians, we want to change state that wild planet into a salad bar.

Or else, I think that if living can be genteel there, wherefore not direct all our felons there? I mean, Australia is alreadied full.

Eventually, food from early planets raises a bigger dilemma: What if we existed to detect the perfect steak on Venus, but that gorgeous piece of kernel has an IQ that matches ours? Could you feed something as smart as you, even if it made the rima oris water but thinking about it?

Envisage stumbling upon a river of brilliant ice cream on Jupiter, only to encounter that these succulent scoops fall out to be practising Buddhists. Would you have them for afters?

I say I would. But then over again, I held a UPS bringing man for breakfast. What can I say, he dropped into the cavity.

And if you dissent with me, you in all probability smell like cabbage.

Greg Gutfeld hosts “Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld” weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Direct your comments to:
redeye flight@foxnews.com